Life gets lifey with a big dose of WTF?

Sometimes life doesn’t follow MY plans.

Four years ago, I wrote what I thought life was like. It was true at the time, so I can still honor it; some still rings true, and some just got a massive adjustment. I essentially got a massive health-induced smack upside the head, and found out it was time to make some MAJOR changes.

I always thought I was on my way to a destination. Every day, going somewhere, towards something, a destination. Once I got to where I needed to be, everything would be great. Constantly moving, always traveling, reacting, and miserable when my plans turned to shite.

Restless? Discontent? Irritable? Depressed?

I’ve been on a journey for six months now. A journey towards better mental and physical health. I’ve really tried to keep my illnesses to a dull roar in my writings, because those of us who are chronically ill and/or have incurable and sometimes fatal illnesses are used to the following:

“All she does is talk about being sick. Jesus, shut up already.”

“I’m scrolling – she should just get over this.”

I’m not asking for pity. I don’t want you to feel bad for me. I don’t sit around and have pity parties, because it’s a fucking waste of whatever time I have left. Guess what? You have a fatal illness too. It’s called life. Nobody makes it out alive.

SO, in order to NOT lose my mind, and continue to let the nutjob who lives in my brain with me make horrendous decisions that almost end poorly, I have made major changes in my life.

• I eat mostly vegetarian foods, and cook vegetarian dishes at home, but it’s for me to have occasional dishes that have meat in them. I used to worry about what people think about what and how I eat, and then I realized that what people think about me is none of my fucking business.
• If you don’t go to the doctor to get regular check-ups and bloodwork, you are probably either being a big baby, lazy, OR one of the many unfortunates who don’t have healthcare (and that hurts so much. Everyone should have access to doctors) It’s so important, no matter how good you feel right now. Things can change in one instant. Multiple times. Please go.
• Everyone fights their own battles, and it’s not up to me to judge how tough that battle is. Whether it’s emotional, physical, or both, life can be tough. Those of us who are survivors know it. If someone talked you into, or told you a story about, life being a basket of flowers all the time, I’m laughing because we both know it isn’t true.
• Nobody told me when I was young that life is a relationship. Like every relationship, it’s hard work. Sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes joyful, sometimes comfortable, sometimes back-breaking. The goal is to be balanced.
• It’s important to be kind. Kindness is simple. A smile, a door held, patience and acceptance and tolerance. People remember kindness just as they remember bad behavior. I don’t kid myself – every day I try to be a better version of me than I was yesterday. Telling people simple things I don’t lie about is easy. “You look happy today- that color really agrees with you.” or “I loved what you said about XYZ – that made it make so much more sense to me.”
• Use your manners. Hold doors/ open doors. Say please, thank you, you’re welcome. Offer to help or clean up or reach something on a high shelf for a short person if you’re tall. Say excuse me (and I do NOT mean in that nasty tone we all have somewhere inside us.)
• Unkind, douchey assholes piss us off. It’s part of life. I highly suggest venting the story to one or more friends who will get why you were pissed off, and then?  LET THAT SHIT GO. It’s called turning it over, and I don’t care who/what you turn it over to, (God, A higher power, the universe, science, etc.) but do it. Let it go and move on.
• My business ends at the tip of my nose. That’s what minding my own business means. No meddling, no gossip. Likewise, your business ends at the tip of YOUR nose, so stay out of mine. Simple.
• I’m tired. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Every day is a challenge for me. Just because you see me now, and I look normal. makes me think of all of the things I have to do on a daily basis to function.

Here is the list of all the things I have going on, every day in my body. I’m listing it because I’m tired of saying it piecemeal, and just like alcoholics have drunkalogs, chronically ill people have sickalogs. I’m not going to get into the how or the why- if you know me well enough to be reading this, then you either already know some or most of it.

• 4 strokes. 2 Sub Arachnoid Hemorrhagic and two TIA. They are the less common than strokes caused by clots (which I don’t have.) I have arteriovenous malformation at the base of my skull- my blood vessels look like the most fucked up grouping of highway interchanges you’ve ever seen. Oh, and it’s congenital, so I was born with this. I also have aneurysms hanging out in my brain… little ticking time bombs. https://peacehealth.org/sites/default/files/Documents/Halliday%20-%20Hemorrhagic%20Stroke%20v2.pdf
• I have seizures if aneurysms burst or my brain bleeds in any way.
• I have high level balance defecits as a result of the strokes. In layman’s terms, I get wobbly sometimes, particularly when tired. My inner ear is affected.
• I have extensive nerve damage to the entire left side of my body, which is painful, and cannot be cured; it’s managed with medication and giant helping of “time to suck it up.”
• I have congestive heart failure. Incurable, but manageable. My heart doesn’t circulate my blood fast enough for my kidneys to remove excess fluid from my body. Yay for meds that make me have to use the restroom every 30 mins or so.
• I have thrombocytopenia. It’s a genetic blood disorder that usually occurs in males (lucky me), and is very similar to hemophilia. I get to have spontaneous bleeds in small vessels all over my body. A normal platelet count is between 150K-450K. Mine hovers around 50K.
• I have severe anemia and vitamin D deficiencies, and have to take prescription drugs for both.
• I have rheumatoid arthritis. It is exceedingly painful. I have to uncurl my hands in the morning. Squeezing the tube of toothpaste or opening a jar or bottle in the morning is sometimes done by sheer will. Every joint in my body hurts, 24/7. It NEVER STOPS. My bed is a torture chamber.
• My sleep cycle was never normal to begin with, and now with 5 traumatic brain injuries (4 from strokes, 1 from losing conciousness and falling and smashing my head into a tree), I randomly get tired, and have almost no control over nodding off. Conversely, my brain refuses to shut off for hours and hours at a time, and I can sometimes be awake for days. I am not exaggerating. Days.
• There’s something going on in my gastro-intestinal tract, and both my liver and gall bladder are affected as well as my intestines. I’m going this week to a specialist for that. Yay.
• I’ve had seven cardiac arrests (yes, the kind where you’re dead), and been in several comas. ICU and I are well acquainted.

In order to get my life together, changes had to be made. I go to a primary care doc, a rheumatologist, a cardiologist, a neuro-surgeon/ neurologist, a psychiatrist (she’s a meds regulator), a therapist. and a gastro-enterologist. I have a medication regimen that involves 17 different prescriptions to keep me going. I quit drinking and smoking completely, and I am getting better at walking longer distances.

Life right now, despite challenges, is good. I am very happy, and I remember every day to thank my HP for all that I have. David, my animals, great friends and a wonderful support system. I am constantly reminded to stay in the moment, because it truly is all I have. I am learning that I don’t control the outcomes of situations, but as long as I do the actions I am supposed to, the outcome will be what it is supposed to be. I constantly try to do whatever the next right thing is, and keep my Karma bank account full by taking inventory of my actions every night.

This is it for me in a nutshell:

Happiness is what when you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. – Mahatma Ghandi

I don’t like Mondays.

I kind of suck at every day of the week.

I’m awful at being sick. Although not as bad as the men in my house. One has pneumonia, a sinus infection, and a severely sprained back and neck. Antibiotics are flying around here like a drug infestation. Me? No. Mine is viral, which makes it that much more fun, because that’s a big health fuck you. “You suffer. Buy Kleenex with Aloe.” “Well, thanks.”

Feeling a bit down, because something I really wanted to happen, I think is way out of my reach. After all the stuff I’ve been through, I thought I might have a shot at this, but I’m guessing no. Oh well, right?

Going out to dinner for pizza tonight, with friends, and it’s their last night in town. Should be fun, and I’m a little sad they’re leaving tomorrow morning. It’s been fun catching up, and I’m grateful for every moment.

Hope you guys are having a good Monday. I still hate it, and dishes and laundry.

T- out.

Slack much?

This is my first post in a year and half. Life kind of took me on a roller coaster ride, as it likes to do. Right when I think I have stuff under control, I have to move, my FIL moves in with us, and we turned into the “House of The Dead.” (full of contractors and black mold and a ton of broken stuff.)

Anyone remember the movie “The Money Pit” with Tom Hanks and Shelley whatsherface? Yeah, I LIVE in that house. I have said “Hi, Mario, Adele, Maria, Bob, Alex, Thomaz, Mike, Phillip, and whoever the heck you are) more times than I care to count. Everything from a broken kitchen sink faucet/ piping, to the most disgusting sub flooring I have ever seen, broken toilets, f’d up appliances, a yard with overgrown plants, a water leak from the upstairs shower that ruined our family room ceiling and required a hole big enough to fit a grown man up there.

If I was the crying type… my other half got pneumonia, a sinus infection, and sprained his back beyond the “I have to breathe out of my mouth because of the pain.” I ended up with a cold from HELL, that I fought off for 7 days, and then it freight trained me. I was pretty sure so much snot could not possibly come out of a couple. I was so seriously incorrect. Give me a break, universe.

Life isn’t all bad. I’m not dead. Yet. My friends are awesome, and I have several events to look forward to, so here’s to you and how you’re dealing with your day to day challenges and joys.

T, out.

Sometimes I have to take a step back.

I learned more lessons today. Not all of them great, but all helpful.

• 4 year olds who love you will do anything to stay near you. “Tawah, I lob you soooooo much.” That actually goes a LONG way.
• 4 year olds are also concerned. It was really windy, and as I put a sweatshirt on him, he pointed to my jeans and said “Aren’t you cold? There’s holes in yo pants.” (ripped jeans) I about fell over laughing.
• Got double charged for something I did. $15. For a game for said four year old. Got a talking to about spending money on a game, and then laughed internally because money got spent on Marvel Avengers every month for nearly a year (and not by me.)
• Tears are ok. Get that emotion out. For me, they are a waste of time- they solve nothing, mess up my eyes, and over the years I’ve learned that if I go more than three tissues, I should just get up and stop.
• I can not control every aspect of my day to day life. I try. I plan. I clean. I bake. Reality will hit me like a freight train every time.
• I can’t control other peoples’ reactions or emotions either. Life happens, and sometimes it’s marvelous, and sometimes it’s not.
• Once again, we don’t always know what kind of day a person had, or the burden we have to shoulder when things go badly. Compassion and empathy.

I woke up and made it through the day. I’m still blessed.

This week can go away. Far away.

Listen, I know we all have a bunch of life going on. House, bills, the spouse, pets, relatives, not so fun dates in our calendar, chores, and all that stuff. So, in an attempt to make life more fun, I’m writing a list of things I am grateful for, instead of all the shit I’m NOT grateful for. Yay for me!

• Spicy black bean burgers, baby lettuce (that sounds weird. Little lettuce? Nope. Smaller lettuce. Ok still creepy. Lettuce, ok?)
• Clothes that fit.
• Baby potatskis and tomatskis.
• Peach pie.
• Good friends.
• People who don’t think I’m the biggest butthead ever.
• Spicy nacho Doritos, which are not good for me, but, I eat maybe 5 at a time.
• My stash of Sour Patch Kids.
• Plans to make “Magic Bars” tomorrow.
• Quiet because everyone at sub 0400, including pets, is asleep. Yes, please.
• Trash and recycling out, before those crazy people show up at 6:30 AM.
• No animals threw up today. Thank you, baby jeebus.
• No drama occurs when it’s after 3 AM unless you’re doing something you shouldn’t be, on the Strip. I’m good.

Be well, peeps, and remember to be nice/ kind to people. Everyone has things going on, and not everyone can juggle 8 or 80 plates. ❤

NO.

Here’s where we get into schooling. Ready?

Some of this is trivial, and some of this will send me off the ledge, and you get to decide which is which.

• Everyone knows I love Bruno Mars and have for years. Please stop talking while I’m chair dancing to my handsome guy. It’s rude. I don’t care who’s dying because I can rescue, dial a phone, and handle without the talking.
• Stitch Fix can suck it. I never really need anyone to tell me what to wear, but was looking for some cool stuff for when my friend comes into town for a girls’ trip. Epic fail. Answered all the questions. NO. I’m not THAT tough. Throw me some clothes people. Fail? Never again.
• If I didn’t have a crew of SMIDGETS, I’d be borrowing up a storm. That doesn’t work when I’m 9 inches taller, with a whole bunch of weird body stuff. YOU try being 5’9ish and your legs are nearly 36″ long… hello, weird short thing when you sit down. 😀
• About to do a girls’ vacay with my girl, in town, and I can’t wait. I need this like this former fat kid wants cake.
• I’m still pissed off that this is the third time I have tried to throw money at something, and got denied. Thanks for the treats, stupids.

Sooooo… a teensie look into the life of a boring mortal.

I am a colossal moron at life.

Why they don’t give you an instruction manual from the get go, I will never understand. Still, I understand that every choice I made, and even the ones other people made, landed me right here. I’m ok with that. I’ve been kind of a roll over, smush ball girl, and it’s time to grow back my spine of steel.

• I just turned 46. I’m not ashamed of it, and never lie about my age. I have never thought I should lie about my age like it’s a shameful thing. I made it this far, and didn’t die again, so I am proud of myself every day. Sometimes I just forget.
• I have a horrible track record of trusting the wrong people. I take people at face value, and while that’s suitable for a Disney princess, it’s not good for the rest of us in the real world. This year is: give everyone a chance but keep my eye and my taser trained on whomever. You broke me, 2016-2017.
• Keep adulting. Bills have to be paid, and nobody gives a crap what happens in your life to prevent you from paying ZYX bill. Likewise, when your other half opens the fridge, freezer, pantry, know what your best excuse is because it currently sucks. 🙂
• Never lose the part of you that is YOU. I’ve had some serious health issues, and for four years, ME has taken the backseat, so I could just get better. NO MORE.
• I’m quite capable of looking like the fiercely independent woman. I cry from emotional pain only. Hey, get stuck with needles all the time, break enough bones, overcome serious BS? I’m used to that nonsense. This is not a “Oh WHOAH is me!” situation. I don’t need anyone to rescue me. I’m perfectly capable of doing it myself, thank you. It’s just time to take my mojo back.
  

  That all said, there is so much joy to be seen.

• I can help people when they need it.
• Sometimes my cooking or baking makes people happier.
• Someone told me this weekend that my smile lights up a whole room. Wow.
• Kids and pets make the world go ’round. Thank goodness I have both in my life.
• I try every day, even tired and sick, to see one thing that makes me smile.

Every day is a gift. I am choosing not to waste it. ❤

 

Dear body,

You and I have a love/hate relationship.

Here is where I’m at with you:

• Please stop waking me up at 3:30am. I understand the back sounds like a popcorn factory, and feels like muscles are crunchy, but you’re screwing with the sleeps.
• The fact that I’m doing squats at that time is absolutely heinous. You let my feet go to sleep, and make my legs hurt enough that I have to exercise to wake everything up just sucks.
• I have to get up and get dressed so that I don’t squirmy wormy my way through the night and make David have a horrible night’s sleep too. Not fair.
• Allergic reaction? You can go jump right off a cliff. Hives? Ok, bite me.
• I do NOT like feeling like you’re the boss of me, so please just shut up with your nonsense and behave.
• I just finished more push ups than I want to count, so I thank you for the pain. Not really. Actually, this is more like I would like for you to keep holding me upright, so don’t say I don’t do anything for you.
• If you could have a little kindness and allow me to keep walking around on these stems, and make these floppy things called arms work properly, the management will appreciate it.

Just please stop with the health insanity. I’m tired, sore, and trying my best. Behave!

C’mon now.

This is so ridiculous.

I’m a fairly positive person. Maybe it’s sheer stubbornness. Live in my head 24-7-365 and in this body that fails, and we’ll see how you hold up.

• I got home to so many hospital bills I wanted to throw up. Yeah, thanks body for being a jerk, because I totally love going to the hospital. Alarmed beds and bitchy nurses. Jesus, get me out of here.
• I made lunch at 6am because my other half didn’t eat dinner last night. Who cooks sauce and pasta at 5:45am? ME.
• I’m still proud of myself that I had, and I am not kidding, 5 minutes to slap my bridesmaid dress on, run to the brides room for pics, and sort of looked human.
• Please. I’m asking nicely. Please, please understand that I have a massive brain injury. My sleep patterns were bad before, and they didn’t improve with brain damage. I sleep when I can, or when my body shuts down. Don’t ask me to operate on your schedule. I will try my very bestest, but it wipes me out for days. I can hang with the best of them and woman up and handle things like a champ, but please realize it takes a big, FAT toll.
• Always have a partner in crime. I need snarky, rebels, and laughter, because otherwise, holy crap. We hold each other up when stuff gets stressful.
• When people are jerks, they’re probably going through their own stuff. Or they might just be assholes. LOL
• I’m still laughing about the person who altered my dress for the wedding I was just in. “Do you want me to alter this so people can see your shoes?” “No, I want you to alter it so the balance challenged person doesn’t trip and go BOOM and ruin the wedding.”
• If David doesn’t switch out his phone today, I am smashing that damn thing because the GPS doesn’t work. AT. ALL. He’s due to upgrade and I’m done listening to “This fucking thing!” 😛

Off I go into the wild, blue yonder. This is also known as visiting my postage stamp sized front yard with my 9 pound attack dog. 🙂

Have a great Tuesday everyone, and remember that no matter what, there is someone who cares about you.

T-out.

I’m a dangerous chick with some money in my pocket.

Watch me break it down like – UHHH!

Ok, I’m totally kidding. LOL Sort of.

I’m a happy kid today, and here’s why:

• I have such a great hubby.
• I am helping out some friends today to buy a house, and I feel like it’s great karma.
• I have my morning chores done, and my house under control.
• My dad is coming over for lunch, because guess who is ON the ball? C’est moi, and lunch is already made. You can come over too if you like chicken curry and rice.
• My little boyfriend saw me on his way to school, and I swear, the kid just fills me with love. “TAWAH! I love you!” I’m not sure how anyone gets cuter than THAT.
• I destroyed the muffins I baked this morning. Sad about it, but it was an experiment anyway, so I basically threw my hands in the air and waved ’em all around like I just didn’t care. Truth? I don’t.

With that, I’m off to the races. White, middle aged and wearing a Deadpool shirt. I should be recognizable if found wandering.