Why it’s good to be 45.

If you call me middle aged, I will kick your ass.

I was asked lately how it felt to be middle aged, and I nearly hit the person through the computer. “Middle aged? What IS that exactly? I don’t plan on dying until I’m 100, so re-do your math, asshat.”

45 for me is like this:

  • I’ve had a lot of health issues that have zero to do with my age. I’m still truckin’.
  • I’ve been in a committed relationship for over 7 years, and that dating BS where you have to figure out how someone likes their eggs cooked is way freaking over.
  • I’m not 21. I never have to do the “walk of shame” ever again.
  • The roof over my head gets paid for, and all the rest of the bills too. I’m poor, but not so poor I can’t do nice things for people.
  • I don’t give two flying f’s what people think of me. If I annoy someone, they can exit stage left, because I’m OK with me.
  • I know my limits. My tolerance of stupid is probably lower than it used to be, but I control the immediate urge to give someone a “talking to.” Ok, not always, but I’m actually nicer than I used to be.
  • I can cook like a champ, and I never have to eat Ramen again unless I choose to.
  • I have the friends and family members I CHOSE, and who also chose me. No guilt about people who throw you away, peeps.
  • I’m not afraid to be Peter Pan, and hope people don’t think I’m ridiculous for being a kid at heart.
  • I never let anyone¬†succeed in attempting to make me feel less than, or stupid. It’s just no longer happening. I know my limits and my excellence, and I don’t need someone else to define those for me. I’m the one who lives alone in my brain 24 hours a day.
  • I have friends of every age, from kids to much older than me. What a wealth of information and perspectives.

I hear people say they wish they were 21 again. I don’t. I never lie about my age, because I’m happy and proud I made it this far. Regrets are worthless, and all I have is today.

Some things mean so much.

he-loves-me

Maybe today isn’t the finest day of my life, but somebody still loves me enough, even through stress and crazy stuff to buy me flowers, and believe me I never ask for them.

I spent a portion of my morning with my three year old boyfriend from next door, watching Paw Patrol. Man, I love that kid. He had a peanut butter cracker, I had a peanut butter cracker, and we snuggled. My heart is always restored around kids/ babies/ animals (who aren’t barking their heads off. The dogs. Not the kids.)

I’m going to try to sit back and appreciate life right now. Hope you can too.

I’m tired all the time now.

People who are constantly negative are seriously annoying.

  • I’m trying to be as positive as I can.
  • My partner’s family is Double OC. Out of control.
  • Someone stole our garbage last night. We put it out before the movie we went to, and when we came home? NOPE. Who the hell does that? Oh, my gut is telling me my psycho neighbot (yes, I spelled it like that on purpose.)
  • One of the conditions of CHF is that your heart doesn’t like to work. Bad, bad heart. It doesn’t circulate blood efficiently, which will make your feet freeze at 4am. It’s not nice. I complain about a lot of things but this isn’t a complaint- it’s a fact.
  • I have so many good people in my life that anyone who isn’t with Team Tarah can just leave. No harm. No foul. I just don’t have the energy to deal with my 6 animals, a partner, his family, friends, and then others who don’t seem to pay attention. I wasn’t kidding when I said “The doctor is out.”
  • At best, I’ll still be alive, instead of my zoo killing me.

When people make you feel “less than”, step away.

 

Ever had THAT day?

I thought today was awesome.

Most of it was. I accomplished enough today to allow myself to feel accomplished.

I took care of business, and I didn’t hesitate. Pets are cared for, kitchen is clean, and so many other chores.

Never say to someone “Oh so this is all my fault.” I didn’t see a 15 min old text saying not to come over. I wasn’t the one who said that, or who has the attitude from hell for days. Passive aggressive is so unattractive. It’s worse when the person doesn’t even realize how they’re acting. Patronizing? Check.

I only have this place to vent to, and nobody sees it anyway. (No, that wasn’t passive aggressive. FB never publishes my notes/ blog.)

 

Sailing

Sometimes life is really complicated.

When someone tells you things are complicated, the situation is probably f’d up, but I deal.

  • I try to deal with all the things that are thrown my way. Sometimes I am really bad at it. I get grumpy and snippy.
  • I’ve been sick off and on since July 31, and it doesn’t make me any easier to deal with. I’m trying to be normal. Some people don’t have any patience for people with health problems.
  • We recently had a family member move into assisted living. Inherited two more dogs. It’s a zoo, and it’s exhausting. 3 dogs, 3 cats, and I’m actually tired. I’m running a daycare.
  • I know this is a whiny moment, but lately I feel like nobody appreciates me. It’s not a good feeling when I think I’m trying my best to keep everyone and everything afloat, and maybe it’s me who is the “suck everything out of everyone else.”
  • All of this is a bunch of how many people am I caring for??

 

Sometimes I need to be grateful.

  • I have terrific friends. They put up with me.
  • I have a 20 year old cat who stubbornly refuses to leave me. Thank GOD.
  • I have a roof over my head, and it’s not cardboard.
  • All my next size smaller jeans fit now.
  • I have more than some, and I know I’m blessed.
  • David never leaves me, even though lately I’ve taken to talking to myself when things are annoying.

and here’s where I want to be:

There are violins everywhere.

Listen carefully, because if you don’t, you’ll miss them.

Someone re-posted something about how to make a relationship last. I appreciated it. Isn’t my life, but I get it. My life looks more like this:

  • We argue. We’re both intelligent and don’t always agree. I pick my battles.
  • He makes time to spend with our pets.
  • He makes more time to laugh and joke with me and take me to the store.
  • He installed cameras in our house because he was the one in ICU with me, and worries about me always.
  • He loves my friends, and vice versa. We can be in just about any situation together, and not have an issue. I love that he is so tolerant.
  • I think he is adorable, and for some weird reason, he thinks I’m beautiful (I need to get his eyes checked.)
  • Life together is not about everything being perfect. We compromise all the time, and put up with our crazy families. It never shakes our foundation.
  • I’m grateful for every moment with him. Except when he’s a PITA, and then I put myself in time out. LOL
  • He can go get massages, and I can go get my nails done. We love to be together, but we’re ok doing things by ourselves.
  • We sing along to my Spotify on his car radio. There’s NOTHING like having him sing “Just the Way You Are” at the top of his lungs and him telling me that’s exactly how he feels.
  • Tolerance, playfulness, a whole bunch of smartass, lots of jokes and laughter, responsibility, knowing he’s my best friend, and will always love our pets and friends.
  • There isn’t any secret. Relationships are really a lot of work. We don’t think about it most of the time, but the truth is, we listen. If he’s hungry, I make lunch. If I need to go to the store, he takes me. I buy him what he needs, and he’ll make a trip to buy me what I need. It’s all about listening for me.

I’m still learning.

 

When the road seems long…

This might seem like a rant. It’s really not. It’s just a vocalization of frustration.

  • If I make plans with someone, and pay for it, show up. Barring emergencies, it’s disrespectful.
  • Please don’t take your grumpiness out on me. I’m willing to listen, always, sometimes at the detriment of my own peace of mind.
  • I need to learn to not internalize someone else’s bad attitude. That’s my issue, and not anyone else’s.
  • Just because I look “normal” and “well” these days; it does not change the fact that every single day I have challenges NORMAL people do not have to face. I hate to even pull the traumatic brain injury or the heart problem card, or sprained joints or blood disorder, and I certainly don’t want people to treat me with kid gloves. Please just recognize that there are certain things about this version of me.
  • I tire easily, suffer from weird sleep patterns. I sometimes have issues with speech and comprehension, and I have to work really hard to do some things that used to come naturally. I’m not lazy. Sometimes, I’m just freaking exhausted.
  • I have a house, and pets, and I pay bills like everyone else. It just sometimes takes more mental effort and organizing to get shit done.
  • Please do not treat me like I’m stupid. I¬†might have damage, but there is a functioning human in here.
  • Have you ever, in your life, seen someone calm down when they are told to calm down? Thought not. Do not do it. Just leave me by myself. I can calm myself, thank you very much.
  • Remember to not hurt the people who love you the most. Those are the people who will go to battle for you, no matter what.

The road will take you home.