NO.

Here’s where we get into schooling. Ready?

Some of this is trivial, and some of this will send me off the ledge, and you get to decide which is which.

  • Everyone knows I love Bruno Mars and have for years. Please stop talking while I’m chair dancing to my handsome guy. It’s rude. I don’t care who’s dying because I can rescue, dial a phone, and handle without the talking.
  • Stitch Fix can suck it. I never really need anyone to tell me what to wear, but was looking for some cool stuff for when my friend comes into town for a girls’ trip. Epic fail. Answered all the questions. NO. I’m not THAT tough. Throw me some clothes people. Fail? Never again.
  • If I didn’t have a crew of SMIDGETS, I’d be borrowing up a storm. That doesn’t work when I’m 9 inches taller, with a whole bunch of weird body stuff. YOU try being 5’9ish and your legs are nearly 36″ long… hello, weird short thing when you sit down. 😀
  • About to do a girls’ vacay with my girl, in town, and I can’t wait. I need this like this former fat kid wants cake.
  • I’m still pissed off that this is the third time I have tried to throw money at something, and got denied. Thanks for the treats, stupids.

Sooooo… a teensie look into the life of a boring mortal.

I am a colossal moron at life.

Why they don’t give you an instruction manual from the get go, I will never understand. Still, I understand that every choice I made, and even the ones other people made, landed me right here. I’m ok with that. I’ve been kind of a roll over, smush ball girl, and it’s time to grow back my spine of steel.

  • I just turned 46. I’m not ashamed of it, and never lie about my age. I have never thought I should lie about my age like it’s a shameful thing. I made it this far, and didn’t die again, so I am proud of myself every day. Sometimes I just forget.
  • I have a horrible track record of trusting the wrong people. I take people at face value, and while that’s suitable for a Disney princess, it’s not good for the rest of us in the real world. This year is: give everyone a chance but keep my eye and my taser trained on whomever. You broke me, 2016-2017.
  • Keep adulting. Bills have to be paid, and nobody gives a crap what happens in your life to prevent you from paying ZYX bill. Likewise, when your other half opens the fridge, freezer, pantry, know what your best excuse is because it currently sucks. 🙂
  • Never lose the part of you that is YOU. I’ve had some serious health issues, and for four years, ME has taken the backseat, so I could just get better. NO MORE.
  • I’m quite capable of looking like the fiercely independent woman. I cry from emotional pain only. Hey, get stuck with needles all the time, break enough bones, overcome serious BS? I’m used to that nonsense. This is not a “Oh WHOAH is me!” situation. I don’t need anyone to rescue me. I’m perfectly capable of doing it myself, thank you. It’s just time to take my mojo back.

    That all said, there is so much joy to be seen.

  • I can help people when they need it.
  • Sometimes my cooking or baking makes people happier.
  • Someone told me this weekend that my smile lights up a whole room. Wow.
  • Kids and pets make the world go ’round. Thank goodness I have both in my life.
  • I try every day, even tired and sick, to see one thing that makes me smile.

Every day is a gift. I am choosing not to waste it. ❤

 

Dear body,

You and I have a love/hate relationship.

Here is where I’m at with you:

  • Please stop waking me up at 3:30am. I understand the back sounds like a popcorn factory, and feels like muscles are crunchy, but you’re screwing with the sleeps.
  • The fact that I’m doing squats at that time is absolutely heinous. You let my feet go to sleep, and make my legs hurt enough that I have to exercise to wake everything up just sucks.
  • I have to get up and get dressed so that I don’t squirmy wormy my way through the night and make David have a horrible night’s sleep too. Not fair.
  • Allergic reaction? You can go jump right off a cliff. Hives? Ok, bite me.
  • I do NOT like feeling like you’re the boss of me, so please just shut up with your nonsense and behave.
  • I just finished more push ups than I want to count, so I thank you for the pain. Not really. Actually, this is more like I would like for you to keep holding me upright, so don’t say I don’t do anything for you.
  • If you could have a little kindness and allow me to keep walking around on these stems, and make these floppy things called arms work properly, the management will appreciate it.

Just please stop with the health insanity. I’m tired, sore, and trying my best. Behave!

C’mon now.

This is so ridiculous.

I’m a fairly positive person. Maybe it’s sheer stubbornness. Live in my head 24-7-365 and in this body that fails, and we’ll see how you hold up.

  • I got home to so many hospital bills I wanted to throw up. Yeah, thanks body for being a jerk, because I totally love going to the hospital. Alarmed beds and bitchy nurses. Jesus, get me out of here.
  • I made lunch at 6am because my other half didn’t eat dinner last night. Who cooks sauce and pasta at 5:45am? ME.
  • I’m still proud of myself that I had, and I am not kidding, 5 minutes to slap my bridesmaid dress on, run to the brides room for pics, and sort of looked human.
  • Please. I’m asking nicely. Please, please understand that I have a massive brain injury. My sleep patterns were bad before, and they didn’t improve with brain damage. I sleep when I can, or when my body shuts down. Don’t ask me to operate on your schedule. I will try my very bestest, but it wipes me out for days. I can hang with the best of them and woman up and handle things like a champ, but please realize it takes a big, FAT toll.
  • Always have a partner in crime. I need snarky, rebels, and laughter, because otherwise, holy crap. We hold each other up when stuff gets stressful.
  • When people are jerks, they’re probably going through their own stuff. Or they might just be assholes. LOL
  • I’m still laughing about the person who altered my dress for the wedding I was just in. “Do you want me to alter this so people can see your shoes?” “No, I want you to alter it so the balance challenged person doesn’t trip and go BOOM and ruin the wedding.”
  • If David doesn’t switch out his phone today, I am smashing that damn thing because the GPS doesn’t work. AT. ALL. He’s due to upgrade and I’m done listening to “This fucking thing!” 😛

Off I go into the wild, blue yonder. This is also known as visiting my postage stamp sized front yard with my 9 pound attack dog. 🙂

Have a great Tuesday everyone, and remember that no matter what, there is someone who cares about you.

T-out.

I’m a dangerous chick with some money in my pocket.

Watch me break it down like – UHHH!

Ok, I’m totally kidding. LOL Sort of.

I’m a happy kid today, and here’s why:

  • I have such a great hubby.
  • I am helping out some friends today to buy a house, and I feel like it’s great karma.
  • I have my morning chores done, and my house under control.
  • My dad is coming over for lunch, because guess who is ON the ball? C’est moi, and lunch is already made. You can come over too if you like chicken curry and rice.
  • My little boyfriend saw me on his way to school, and I swear, the kid just fills me with love. “TAWAH! I love you!” I’m not sure how anyone gets cuter than THAT.
  • I destroyed the muffins I baked this morning. Sad about it, but it was an experiment anyway, so I basically threw my hands in the air and waved ’em all around like I just didn’t care. Truth? I don’t.

With that, I’m off to the races. White, middle aged and wearing a Deadpool shirt. I should be recognizable if found wandering.

Before I do a nose dive

Don’t do it!

I have so many good things today to report.

No, I didn’t save the world. I know you didn’t expect me to, and neither did I. So welcome to world of mundane and silly.

  • I got my hairs did by Lindsey, and it’s fabulous. This is a woman who understands the difference between Princess and Porn Star.
  • Talked to David’s dad twice. He will never know the gift he gave me when he saw me step out of the dressing room in my bridesmaid gown, I will never, ever forget the intake of breath and the look on his face. I felt like a queen. He looked proud of me.
  • We have a new name for crazy train across the street. I can’t even say it without laughing. Twatwaffle. Thank you, Kim Ulmanis, because that is just hilarious.
  • So many PT exercises in the last 2 days. I’m standing and walking strong, even though I get tired – I keep going!
  • I’m wearing the shirt my amazing friend Laura picked out for me, and rocking it – it’s perfect for me. Kudos to her for her keen sense of fit and fashion.

 

Life is not always about the HUGE announcements, and sometimes it’s about the little things.

I am so over not being 5 years old.

Being an adult is nothing like we think being a grown up is.

Here’s how it breaks down, if you don’t have kids:

  • I will feel miserable after PT, but I don’t have a choice. She knows where I live.
  • Trash duty is usually mine, and I usually swear. It sucks.
  • I spent money today! Whoot! On making me look better? Oh no. When we get to be my age, we buy another crockpot and a convection/ toaster oven with a pizza drawer.
  • In the amazing shopping tour, I also bought hand soap in a ridiculously huge container, and convinced my other half to please get me a sandwich for dinner.
  • Don’t ask me why the original crockpot met an untimely death. It wasn’t me. Seriously.
  • All I want is a cookie. Just one. Not allowed until after mid June. So “This Fig walked into a bar” from Trader Joe’s suffices.
  • I DID get flirted with by a random salesman. He liked my jacket, my look, whatever. I just laughed and told him he was perfect for the job. I laughed because I had zero makeup on, my hair has been crazy, and I was looking back at the hubby 5 feet behind, shaking his head.

Making forts and holiday cookies might be behind, but there is still joy in laughter. Even if it’s at myself.