Monthly Archives: January 2014

Perspective

Peace; joy; happiness

I suppose many don’t think about it. I’ve encountered plenty of people along the way who think anything that deviates from their way of life is WRONG. Heaven forbid you should have differing opinions, or disagree with another person. What matters most is what happens after.

I have friends who are very conservative, and I have friends who are very liberal. I don’t need to get into the whos and whats.. and then I have a bunch who are middle of the road. Facebook is a double edged sword. I don’t get out much, so I rely on FB, Skype, etc. to help me stay connected, on a real-ish time basis. Without these tools, I would not be mentally where I am right now. I know that is probably a frightening thought for you, but the scarier part is: I CAN BE SO MUCH WORSE.

I have a lot of medical stuff going on in these next two weeks, and it determines what type of brain surgery I need to have, or if suddenly I am a “miracle child,” none at all for now. I won’t lie. I’m scared witless, but being scared doesn’t change the fact that I have to have an MRI (again) or a procedure at a hospital to check out my screwed up noggin (CT Angiogram).

I guess it’s all in the perspective. I have the next four days “off.” I’m free of PT, free of doc appts., and David is working, so I guess I’ll be without human company too. I am going to attempt to do laundry, and get that horrid monkey off our back, while Smiley is working. Sounds like a stupid goal, but sometimes it’s a lot for me. Just keep going, Tarah.

To me, a big percentage of what I’ve been through is just “stuff” that happens. Not to everyone, but I don’t think I’m special because I faced down some pretty awful stuff and came out semi-coherent. Frankly, they give you better drugs when you’re incoherent and bleeding all over the place, than when you apathetically come in and tell your doc, “My mother hates me.” The docs tend to look back at you and say “AND? My mother hates me too, unless she’s trying to hook me up with her friend’s sister’s daughter. I’m MARRIED.” True story.

So, it’s Monday. I know the whiplash from the weekend sucks. I’m not even going to try to give a pep talk, because really, I am not very good at them. You know what you have to do today, and I do too. I think everybody gets to at least, initially, choose whether it’s going to be a great day, a shitty day, or the day in between where you have moments of good and yuck.

Here’s to a day filled with more smiles than frowns, more “I’m having a great day!” than “Can I go home?”, and to remembering you know who you should call if you have issues (it’s not GhostBusters – don’t be getting all nutty on me now) – your friends and family. 🙂

T, out.

 

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It IS possible to be too twitchy.

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By twitchy, I don’t mean involuntary twitches… we all have them, mentally, physically, or if you’re extra special like me, you get both! YAY SANTA!! However, what I really meant was a way around saying “anal retentive” or “obsessive,” or the like. 

I am a classic case of someone who should probably be skated around, because if I don’t know what’s going on up there, can’t really tell you either, correct.? I said I was far too tired to cook, and yet found myself making bolognese for dinner, and then milanese chicken breasts with shrimp and habañero salsa. Then I decided it would be a good idea to make tortellini soup for my other half in case I just really didn’t feel like cooking tomorrow night. WTH??

I’ve spent most of the day by myself, with pets wandering around of course. Took care of a bunch of things, and none of them joy making. It’s just the way it goes; scheduling picking up the CD (always knew I’d be on SOMEONE’S disc!) of all my previous radiology tests tomorrow morning, and then headed for my 2nd MRI this week tomorrow afternoon. Blood work already set up for the 27th, and my CT angiogram scheduled for 8:30am 1/29 (gotta love a gf who gives you and your dad plenty of time to get the dogs to the groomer at 10, right?), talked to all the government agencies I needed to, and worked on continuing my referral for Physical Torture AKA therapy.

I twitched when they told me they don’t have headphones for music in this Radiology dept. Let’s just say I don’t like small spaces, but I won’t freak.

Steps after this, are back to the pain management doc to deal with the nerve damage on the left side, back to the neurosurgeon, and to the internal radiologist as well as a neurologist, and then we’ll decide to do with this defective brain of mine. 

I’m really not a “down” person. This is sometimes enough to smush me right into the dirt. Trying to deal with one moment at a time.

Taking a lot of joy watching others’ joy and personal/professional accomplishments. I am blessed to have so many good friends I call family, only some of whom are related to me.

Here’s to tomorrow, right? 

T

Hey people. I don’t think many read this, and I’m not tagging individuals on FB, so that’s that.

It’s been an interesting week for me, and if I wrote for a soap opera, I’m sure I could “troll out” the requisite language. I just wish it wasn’t my life.

Don’t get me wrong. Before anyone opens their mouth and says something ridiculously stupid they’ll feel badly for, afterwards, I AM grateful. I have more than many.

~ A terrific partner who loves me and our animals.
~ A beautiful house to live in, and our comfy abode.
~ Home cooked meals nearly every night.
~ A breath every morning, when I am terrified to go to sleep every night, just in case. I don’t know what your review of the day is when you go to sleep, but I put mine off as long as I can, because sometimes I am not proud of how I acted/reacted.

So, all I really have is today, and since I started typing before 12 am Pacific US time, that is the day I’m working on.

~ He probably thinks I love to argue. Debate is one thing. Arguing involves hurt. Not helpful. I will NEVER be a throw rug, and I learn to take my temper down about 40 notches. I do know that I can’t, statistically, always be the cause of every argument. I need to learn manspeak better, and he just needs to get out of my way right now… Ok, KIDDING. We generally get each other when calm has come to hang out. Otherwise, it’s like sticking two Beta Fish in a tank, and see who wins. *shrug*

~ Valentine’s Day is coming up. Money is tight for everyone. I have had the best present of my life (last year… it was far better than any piece of jewelry): an arrangement, 3 dozen roses (all colors – he knew I loved that best), a surprise trip to CA to see my niece, nephew and sister in law, and then chocolate covered strawberries (I shared!) after we got home. I don’t expect anything this year, but I know what I can do, and I will be coloring and baking and make sure the reason for the day feels appreciated.

~ He’s tired of the tests. Never says a thing. Not one little chirp. We’re walking out of the MRI place and I mentioned my shoulder, and he split second freaked -“Wait, this wasn’t of your brain?” “Noooo, we were trying to schedule that MRI AND the other test at radiology together, remember?” Did your brain freeze over and stop listening? So did his, with frustration. Mine with wondering how many times they will stick me with needles, mess with a brain that is already screwed up.

This note is over. My goal was just to put words down, and at least I accomplished something other than dishes and grocery shopping today, right?

T.
snoopy abstract

Grateful is a four letter word

Not really, but it sounded good. Today has been a very interesting day for me, and I won’t qualify it by saying you’d like it because “xyz” happened. It was just a big learning experience for me, and I’m grateful I could take it as such. You would think for someone who is primarily home all the time that my days are always boring… Sometimes they are. You don’t have days that bore you? Shame on you. (Ok, you know you laughed.)

Today I learned, some of these again:

  1. Worrying about things doesn’t make them go away. It causes me to sleep less, and whatever is going to hit the fan in the morning, still will.
  2. I am trying very hard not to complain about anything, because it has been brought to my attention that I am whiny, needy, have a general F you attitude, and am sort of annoying because I suppose I just am. I have now cancelled those peoples’ memberships to Club T, and anyone needing to bring up issues with me should contact management (AKA ME) so as not to be perceived as whiny, needy, inconsiderate, annoying persons themselves. Clear? 
  3. I don’t have a clear grasp on what peoples’ accurate perceptions of their lives are. I only know what it looks like to me, from the outside. When I asked people to post one comment about what was good, today, in their lives, I got a varied bunch of answers. THAT, I was expecting. What I wasn’t expecting was the feeling I got in response. I identified with some answers, have no reference point for others, and was actually baffled by others despite actually understanding and empathizing with the rest. 
  4. Along those lines, I have decided, after speaking with my other half, and his dad (both of whom I love very much), that some people are members of the Pessimist Society. I’m as cynical as many, but today I think I actually learned that no matter how bad things are, there is nearly always something to be grateful/happy for, or something good I can see or think of. “It could always be worse,” will only be my stock answer to myself when I don’t have any energy reserves left, AT ALL, emotional or physical. If I can not, as a person, figure out ONE thing in my sight range, again emotional or physical, that is good, than why am I taking up space? That means, I’m either not contributing to anyone or any thing’s happiness, not productive at all in any way, or wallowing in a giant pity party.
  5. It is completely ok to have off days. I was terrified about today. After over 5 weeks of this office putting me off, I needed to go in for a fitting for my leg brace. If you want more information, just ask me, or search “Drop foot.” I was worried that it would hurt, that I would be embarrassed (although, hello, I somehow managed to get past having a walker? Jaysus.), that I would lose my patience (I did. Shocker, I know.), that I would physically hurt (I do, but not anymore than I already did, every day,) and now I am limping worse than I did before. Difference? I am having to learn to re-balance myself, after learning to do that and compensate with the “good” side of my body. I am going to be really sore for about a month, but then, I’m used to that, and this is a move towards getting better.
  6. I really love having David’s dad around. We talk quite a bit, and he makes me laugh, and we have fun. This Friday I offered to help him with his tablet again, and he offered to take me to lunch. Two hours with Ray? I am grateful again that it is a blessing and not an obligation.
  7. That I should stop giving David crap about his picky eating when I’m just as picky in my own way. I still do believe in trying things, and keeping things in perspective (this is known as Tarah’s rule of “THAT is completely disgusting vs. Meh, I’ll eat it vs. YUM!”)

Thanks, friends, for the laughs today. I realized again how important you are, and how grateful I am to you, and for you.

T

Peace; joy; happiness

I vote for “Stellar Sundays!”

I am having a fantastic day – how is yours? I had the day, yesterday, where you wish you could actually shoot it and euthanize it. Ill, all the way through.

Today in comparison, is totally rainbows and shiny stuff. I’m about to get all grateful, so if you want to skip the Hallmark card portion, know I love you and bow out now. 😉

  • Even though I woke up waaaaaay to early, I was happy that I got to talk to my friends on the East Coast before they got busy with kids and life.
  • My friends have the most amazing kids, and it is really interesting to watch them grow up in pictures, and videos, and just…WOW. They are really amazing short hoomans.
  • SPEAKING of kids, you probably know that when I met Smiley, he had the eating habits of a five year old. Now, I have to give him credit, somewhat, because he ate swiss cheese, spinach and broccoli and salad. Through the years, I have gradually introduced him to other things (“Are there ‘snips in this soup?? Where are the ‘snips? Yes, he loves parsnips now.), and I am so proud to announce that today, he graduated to 4th grade eating. I made Radiatore pasta with shrimp and a fresh cilantro/diced tomato/olive oil and parmesan sauce. Not only did he eat it, he came BACK, all the way downstairs (LOL) for seconds, and as my dad used to say “DEEEE-MAAAAN-DAYED”  I save some for his dad.
  • This means, in THIS house, I AM Betty Crackhead. Amen to that
  • Laundry is being done, dishes are washing, kitchen is clean. I feel like a freaking whirling dervish/ super heroine. Can I get a “WHAT, WHAT???!!!”

In the meantime, I talked/ chatted with a lot of you, who contributed to making the day happier, and managed to squeeze in a view of Jennifer Garner in 13 Going On 30. Why I do not own that movie, I have no idea. The movie just is happy, until I want to punch the blond beeyotch in the nose. If you’ve seen it, you know.

Anywhoo…life is good, pets are happy, hubby is happy, and right now I am about to watch a friend’s video of her Tinkerbell/ Powah Rainjah kid, because it is RIDICULOUSLY happy making.

Talk to you soon!

T, out. 

Beautiful Disaster

Jon McLaughlin said it best.

The good news is that it is seriously, STILL, distracting. Makes me feel, so after these years, good job to the producers. Please, you really thought it was the performers who drive you to listen to a song (although, I am positive I could hear this man in my kitchen with no backup track and still think this song is amazing?) At this point, I respect every person’s talent. Singing? If you can’t sing A Capella or bring people to their feet, you get respect for getting up. Sounds hard, but I’m not going out listening to shite. This is why I know I will never die in a karaoke bar 😉

So, I have had an interesting day. Absolutely zero on the fascination meter, so if that’s what you’re looking for, I’m fairly sure you could search anyone else’s blog than mine and it would be more “interesting.” I’m possibly very boring. Hey, nobody wants to think about it, and your other half isn’t going to tell you “You look beautiful!” and then interrupt you later, halfway through a conversation, and tell you over the intercom, “Get to the point.”

Boys, I’m telling you. The SECOND those words come out of your mouth, no matter how much you just want to say “Are we DONE yet?”, goodness will not ensue. That is actually when you should be aware of the emotional fallout, and the possible throwing of stuff, even from women who aren’t “throwers.”

Now, whatever the title is that you give to your love (and I don’t care – honestly it might scar me, and I need less of those! LOL), how many times have you said things you wish you could take back because they were reactionary or… it really doesn’t matter.

Powers that be, I do NOT want to sound like my mother (who is 98% batshit crazy, and I love her still). I won’t tell you how to live your life. Your life is way different than mine.  I don’t bet on anything other SURE bets. At least what I thought were sure bets. Obviously, I have fallen down in a spectacular way. Marriage and me aren’t apparently friends. Sure, would I love to see a ring on my finger after four years? Yes. It would only have to be something that doesn’t make your finger turn colors. Guess the awesome rings at the dollar store are out for what I’m talking about. *sigh* The truth is that the ring is NEVER the thing that makes a person refuse to stray or actually stay.

When I say “Stay”, there are huge distances between the heart and the feet.  Mine? His? Where’s your brain? This time, I can say, Smiley’s feet are right where he says they are. Mine are too. Nobody bails. EVER.

Some times, telling doctors, time after time, “My boyfriend knows everything – you can tell him.” I’ve had to sign release forms in advance so they will talk to him instead of calling my parent who loves me but doesn’t like me enough to have an everyday relationship with me.

This isn’t meant to be an epiphany, and I hope it’s not. I’m way too scarred to be anyone’s savior. I try not to let that be a crutch, and sometimes drive myself more than I should… but the things I have learned through this:

  • There will always be people who beat you down for being less than super human, and mock you for the things you don’t/can’t/ won’t do. Usually for me this is standard. Everybody else is just beating a dead f*cking horse.
  • Always stop and think “Is what I’m about to say going to be beneficial, or am I going to make someone upset?” Look, sh*t happens, and sometimes there are just people who you wonder why they are ambulatory. I have still really tried in the last 8 months, especially, to realize that words are hurtful if used incorrectly. Funniest conversation? My doc tells me “You realize after this brain injury that you’re broken. Right?” Me: “Ok, and this is different… Oh. I don’t like that look. I was broken before. SHIT.”
  • When I thank you somewhat obsessively for being my family, please realize there is a compulsion there, and please don’t get annoyed. It might sound ridiculous to you. I actually understand that, because I get told things all the time, where all I want to say is “Can you POSSIBLY stop talking?? Jaysus, you are SO ruining my BeeGees moment right about now. Sheesh.” 😉 Point is, I try to say it every day, because I am very aware I might not have tomorrow, and I never want to leave without you knowing how much I loved and appreciated you.
  • I was told that I’m all about sickness and death. That nobody wants to hear this, and that I’m harming people I love by putting this out there. I respect this person, and he’s going through much worse (and isn’t that always the truth?), but I can’t have zero outlets. David is only one person. He can’t possibly absorb all the shit that happened this year by himself, which he has done, without breaking. I have to have an outlet that doesn’t involve the breaking of the biggest fan of my life.

I’m finally so tired, that I need to go to sleep or stay awake all day. The boy gets grumpy if I do the latter, so up I go.

Love you all. “Not DEAD yet!” (ok, I couldn’t say “It’s ONLY a flesh wound!”)

T

*lopsided grin*