Beautiful Disaster

Jon McLaughlin said it best.

The good news is that it is seriously, STILL, distracting. Makes me feel, so after these years, good job to the producers. Please, you really thought it was the performers who drive you to listen to a song (although, I am positive I could hear this man in my kitchen with no backup track and still think this song is amazing?) At this point, I respect every person’s talent. Singing? If you can’t sing A Capella or bring people to their feet, you get respect for getting up. Sounds hard, but I’m not going out listening to shite. This is why I know I will never die in a karaoke bar 😉

So, I have had an interesting day. Absolutely zero on the fascination meter, so if that’s what you’re looking for, I’m fairly sure you could search anyone else’s blog than mine and it would be more “interesting.” I’m possibly very boring. Hey, nobody wants to think about it, and your other half isn’t going to tell you “You look beautiful!” and then interrupt you later, halfway through a conversation, and tell you over the intercom, “Get to the point.”

Boys, I’m telling you. The SECOND those words come out of your mouth, no matter how much you just want to say “Are we DONE yet?”, goodness will not ensue. That is actually when you should be aware of the emotional fallout, and the possible throwing of stuff, even from women who aren’t “throwers.”

Now, whatever the title is that you give to your love (and I don’t care – honestly it might scar me, and I need less of those! LOL), how many times have you said things you wish you could take back because they were reactionary or… it really doesn’t matter.

Powers that be, I do NOT want to sound like my mother (who is 98% batshit crazy, and I love her still). I won’t tell you how to live your life. Your life is way different than mine.  I don’t bet on anything other SURE bets. At least what I thought were sure bets. Obviously, I have fallen down in a spectacular way. Marriage and me aren’t apparently friends. Sure, would I love to see a ring on my finger after four years? Yes. It would only have to be something that doesn’t make your finger turn colors. Guess the awesome rings at the dollar store are out for what I’m talking about. *sigh* The truth is that the ring is NEVER the thing that makes a person refuse to stray or actually stay.

When I say “Stay”, there are huge distances between the heart and the feet.  Mine? His? Where’s your brain? This time, I can say, Smiley’s feet are right where he says they are. Mine are too. Nobody bails. EVER.

Some times, telling doctors, time after time, “My boyfriend knows everything – you can tell him.” I’ve had to sign release forms in advance so they will talk to him instead of calling my parent who loves me but doesn’t like me enough to have an everyday relationship with me.

This isn’t meant to be an epiphany, and I hope it’s not. I’m way too scarred to be anyone’s savior. I try not to let that be a crutch, and sometimes drive myself more than I should… but the things I have learned through this:

  • There will always be people who beat you down for being less than super human, and mock you for the things you don’t/can’t/ won’t do. Usually for me this is standard. Everybody else is just beating a dead f*cking horse.
  • Always stop and think “Is what I’m about to say going to be beneficial, or am I going to make someone upset?” Look, sh*t happens, and sometimes there are just people who you wonder why they are ambulatory. I have still really tried in the last 8 months, especially, to realize that words are hurtful if used incorrectly. Funniest conversation? My doc tells me “You realize after this brain injury that you’re broken. Right?” Me: “Ok, and this is different… Oh. I don’t like that look. I was broken before. SHIT.”
  • When I thank you somewhat obsessively for being my family, please realize there is a compulsion there, and please don’t get annoyed. It might sound ridiculous to you. I actually understand that, because I get told things all the time, where all I want to say is “Can you POSSIBLY stop talking?? Jaysus, you are SO ruining my BeeGees moment right about now. Sheesh.” 😉 Point is, I try to say it every day, because I am very aware I might not have tomorrow, and I never want to leave without you knowing how much I loved and appreciated you.
  • I was told that I’m all about sickness and death. That nobody wants to hear this, and that I’m harming people I love by putting this out there. I respect this person, and he’s going through much worse (and isn’t that always the truth?), but I can’t have zero outlets. David is only one person. He can’t possibly absorb all the shit that happened this year by himself, which he has done, without breaking. I have to have an outlet that doesn’t involve the breaking of the biggest fan of my life.

I’m finally so tired, that I need to go to sleep or stay awake all day. The boy gets grumpy if I do the latter, so up I go.

Love you all. “Not DEAD yet!” (ok, I couldn’t say “It’s ONLY a flesh wound!”)


*lopsided grin*






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