You know you have those people… the pointers of fingers. You also know that you are one too. Pointing that crazy finger. YIKES! It makes me cringe. So here is to the list of finger pointing, crazy making BS I have to deal with. Feel free to add to the list!
1) Today, my partner pulled my track pants up. I’m 43. I don’t remember the last time – oh wait. YES, I DO! Are we kidding? This is not foreplay people. This is war. Don’t touch my pants unless you want bad things to happen to you in your sleep.
2) When I cook you homemade General Tsao’s chicken, with brown rice, don’t ask where the vegetables are. This will earn you the STANK-eye, and a silent “You know what? You can starve. Seriously??” Do NOT do this to your loved one. He/She knows where you sleep.
3) Pets. They are crazy. At the moment, they are being crazy upstairs, with my other half. This is where I’m supposed to disappear and end up on some show as the chick who walked away. Fortunately for us all, I’m a fool, and love everyone in my house. Including the dog currently dropping toys at my feet and staring me down.
4) I’m set to do this workout plan for 21 days and possibly more. Look, I’ll do it for as long as I need to until the stack of clothing in my closet stops mocking me for being CHUNK from the Goonies. If you don’t know who that is, you’re too young, and you should just shut up. No, really. Someone out there is going to beat you for not knowing. Do some research and come back.
5) I have determined that despite the fact that I speak several languages, the only ones I currently need to know involve “man speak” and “pet speak.” It’s actually quite simple. “Honey, would you like some food?” is very similar to shaking a bag of treats and having all the animals come running. The difference? I have to rescue stuff that is stuck, by the dog, underneath furniture. If my other half is throwing food underneath the couch, I need rescuing.
6) I am determined to feel better, look better, be a superhero, not get meowed or barked at. I walked today like a fiend. I actually had to have a look why my foot hurts. Hello blister the size of Texas. Jaysus. Meanwhile, my dog thinks I am just a throwing of toys, feeder of treats, rescuer of toys from underneath furniture, and giver of LEAN Bark’n Bacon. She’s currently pissing me off.
7) BTW, those 8 miles I walked today? I now have a growth the size of Alaska on my left foot. Nobody wants to see this. It’s on my foot. I can’t run away. Did I mention this already? Yeah. It’s worth mentioning again. Get used to it.
8) I am pretty sure that when my father in law told me I looked beautiful last night that my “I’m not married to you but I love ya?” other half attempted to tell him it was because I dyed my hair. Well, Amen and raise the roof. NO! Seriously?? You just earned jackass points for that. Are we kidding??
9) When I say “Please bring your recycling downstairs regularly” and you bring me a plastic bag full of bottles that need to be rinsed out, you can rest assured I am thinking horrible thoughts. We don’t have to go into details, but you’ll be on an island somewhere talking to a volleyball. Are we clear?
10) This is what thick skins and great headphones are made for. Everyone else can bite me. Actually, you can try, but my bet is I stab you first. *shrug*